Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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