just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize