I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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