I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I currently don't understand fingers.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
