Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
