OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
