Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
