Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
