ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
