life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
