If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
