dude i'm inner monologue high
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
