i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
