Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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