the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
