There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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