Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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