I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
