It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
