I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
