Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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