I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
