i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
