she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
