Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize