last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
