How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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