can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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