Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
