Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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