I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I believe in your delicious
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
