This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I fill condoms, not promises.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
