Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize