Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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