Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
