Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
