Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
