So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
