I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
