based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
