I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
