Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
