He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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