Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
