do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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