Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
