please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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