seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
