census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
