It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
barbara walters just said penis...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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