I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
