I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
