I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
