also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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