Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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