so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
