im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
