Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
