I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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